【眾籌】我地出咗final draft啦！！！！

我都覺得第三個最好

我地攬炒團隊綜合左連登同facebook各大意見，嘗試整合出以下draft。

畢竟眾籌team、攬炒team係分開運作既團隊；大家對於新draft 既意見極度關鍵。
攬炒team會盡力直接反映意見讓眾籌team作最終決定。

如果你認為新版本比較好，請正評，反之亦然。感謝大家

WE SHALL NEVER SURRENDER

Dear New York Times Readers,

We are a group of concerned citizens who have been among the two million protesters marching on the streets of Hong Kong. This is our sincere quest for your help to defend our autonomy and freedoms. Here is why you should care.

China has been relentlessly extending their flawed authoritarian rule into Hong Kong since 1997. A recent example is the HKSAR Government’s proposed bill that would allow extradition of alleged “fugitives” from Hong Kong to China, a country that is notorious for its disrespect for the rule of law, and whose judicial system has a conviction rate of 99.9%.

Businessmen, journalists, tourists of all nations, and even ordinary Hong Kongers could be arrested and sent to China for trials of alleged crimes and fabricated accusations. This will have a devastating impact on Hong Kong where global businesses reside, on the freedom of speech and religion, and on human rights – universal rights that each and every single one of us should enjoy.

This is why two million of us took to the streets defiantly, even after unjustifiable violent suppression from the police on peaceful and unarmed protestors who are then stigmatized by the government as “rioters”. Police acted brutally using baton and 150 tear gas canisters, and aiming rubber bullets and bean bag rounds at our heads. But we are determined to defend human rights and our autonomy.

Withdrawal of the Extradition Bill should only be the beginning. We request the unconditional release of all the arrested, retract the “riot” designation of June 12 incident, and conduct an independent commission of inquiry to look into police brutality. But most importantly, we demand universal suffrage which allows Hong Kongers to choose our own leaders and make them accountable for their actions. Please join Hong Kong in defending liberty and human rights against authoritarianism.

In view of the upcoming G20 summit and the meeting between Trump and Xi, we implore you to deliver our concerns and demands to your governments. We urge you to stand with us in preserving Hong Kong’s freedom and autonomy against China’s oppression.

Thank you.

Yours truly,
Hong Kongers

推到俾眾籌team睇

你地兩team人都要招d人收集意見又好，做傳聲又好，好過變左與世隔絕咁急起上黎搵你地都搵唔到

China has been relentlessly extending their flawed authoritarian rule into Hong Kong since 1997. A recent example is the HKSAR Government’s proposed bill that would allow extradition of alleged “fugitives” from Hong Kong to China, a country that is notorious for its disrespect for the rule of law, and whose judicial system has a conviction rate of 99.9%.
- 講明1997係handover？老實講外國人唔會知1997係咩
- Hong Kong Government instead of HKSAR Government - 外國人好少知SAR係咩

This is why two million of us took to the streets defiantly, even after unjustifiable violent suppression from the police on peaceful and unarmed protestors who are then stigmatized by the government as “rioters”. Police acted brutally using baton and 150 tear gas canisters, and aiming rubber bullets and bean bag rounds at our heads. But we are determined to defend human rights and our autonomy.
- 2,000,000 會唔會sharp過two million?
- proofread: protester (instead of protestor - 用E就唔好有試用o 啦)

Withdrawal of the Extradition Bill should only be the beginning. We request the unconditional release of all the arrested, retract the “riot” designation of June 12 incident, and conduct an independent commission of inquiry to look into police brutality. But most importantly, we demand universal suffrage which allows Hong Kongers to choose our own leaders and make them accountable for their actions. Please join Hong Kong in defending liberty and human rights against authoritarianism.
- grammar: We demand (stronger than request?) the Hong Kong Government to unconditionally release all arrested protesters, retract... etc. (verb)

圖片如果剩係登一班人唔夠震撼 要高空中影到幾條街都係人比較好

有幾張之前其他巴絲post ge黑警開槍的一放上去 會吸引到外國人睇多d

我自己睇報紙打開報紙如果見到會咁諗

幫手執左3個grammatical mistakes. 多謝攬炒團隊聽意見！！


Dear New York Times Readers,

We are a group of concerned citizens who have been among the two million protesters marching on the streets of Hong Kong. This is our sincere quest for your help to defend our autonomy and freedoms. Here is why you should care.

China has been relentlessly extending their flawed authoritarian rule into Hong Kong since 1997. A recent example is the HKSAR Government’s proposed bill that would allow extradition of alleged “fugitives” from Hong Kong to China, a country that is notorious for its disrespect for the rule of law, and whose judicial system has a conviction rate of 99.9%.

Businessmen, journalists, tourists of all nations, and even ordinary Hong Kongers could be arrested and sent to China for trials of alleged crimes and fabricated accusations. This will have a devastating impact on Hong Kong where global businesses reside, on the freedom of speech and religion, and on human rights – universal rights that each and every single one of us should enjoy.

This is why two million of us took to the streets defiantly, even after unjustifiable violent suppression from the police on peaceful and unarmed protesters who are then stigmatized by the government as “rioters”. Police acted brutally using batons and 150 tear gas canisters, and aiming rubber bullets and bean bag rounds at our heads. But we are determined to defend human rights and our autonomy.

Withdrawal of the Extradition Bill should only be the beginning. We request the unconditional release of all the arrested, retraction of the “riot” designation of June 12 incident, and conducting an independent commission of inquiry to look into police brutality. But most importantly, we demand universal suffrage which allows Hong Kongers to choose our own leaders and make them accountable for their actions. Please join Hong Kong in defending liberty and human rights against authoritarianism.

In view of the upcoming G20 summit and the meeting between Trump and Xi, we implore you to deliver our concerns and demands to your governments. We urge you to stand with us in preserving Hong Kong’s freedom and autonomy against China’s oppression.

Thank you.

Yours truly,
Hong Kongers

呢次真係群眾知慧越改越好

辛苦各巴絲了, 小弟愚見如下, 供參考:

首先,浸咸水經驗話我知, 香港唔係真係咁舉世聞名, 不過中國係, 人權問題當然都係, 所以第一段我會開宗名義講 defend our freedoms 係 from China, 延伸講埋港府係蛇鼠一窩, 係 China's extended political arm. 後尾都會強調林鄭係china-appointed (所以點解我地做乜都無用, 需要外國幫拖!)

然後, 我會開始加入標題, 先講下個Bill, 明確指出有違人權, 造成Political Kidnapping, 中國法制係deeply flawed, 再嘗試用個事例喚起大家回憶。

跟住, 我會講下香港人各種和平嘅努力, 同港府各種鎮壓嘅惡行, 一個強烈嘅對比

然後, 我無時間寫了. 意見係訴求一段可以簡潔D, CTA 一段要更有力同清晰。P.S. 希望意見有用

Dear New York Times Readers,

We are a group of concerned citizens who were among the two million protesters marching on the streets of Hong Kong on 16 June, 2019. This is our sincere plea for your help to defend our sovereignty and freedoms from China and its extended political arm - the Hong Kong government.

The Evil Law: Rise of “Political Kidnapping”, Fall of Human Rights

Earlier this year, the Hong Kong government proposed a bill that would effectively expose Hong Kong’s judicial independence to China’s deeply flawed justice system, by giving China the power to request for the transfer of suspects accused of criminal wrong-doings. The ironic case of Nobel Peace Prize winner Liu Xiao Bo being incarcerated as a political prisoner in China speaks volumes about what that might mean to people who embrace the notion of freedom.

We plea with peaceful strikes, rallies and a mass protest of 2 millions, unarmed

Since March, Hong Kong citizens have been trying every means, within their civil rights, to voice their concerns over the extradition law. There were statements issued by the Hong Kong Bar Association, Legco members, former government officials, school principals, religious group leaders etc.; there were strikes, rallies and massive protests of 1.3 million, and 2 million +*1 [Footnote].

The government responds with violence, political repression and propaganda...

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
.
Our Humble Requests:

The China-appointed Chief Executive of Hong Kong Carrie Lam has so far refused to withdraw the bill and release the peaceful protesters who were arrested. We urge our government to agree to our three demands:

1. To completely withdraw the Extradition Bill;
2. To release all the arrested unconditionally and undertake not to prosecute any of the protestors;
3. To appoint an independent commission of inquiry to look into incidents of police brutality.

How you could help? Stand with us!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

小弟不才 我幫到既只係一句加油 同埋幫你地宣揚開去

多謝咁多位巴打出力

lm

自膠 執多兩下 grammar
眾籌team望下呢到

Dear New York Times Readers,

We are a group of concerned citizens who have been among the two million protesters marching on the streets of Hong Kong. This is our sincere quest for your help to defend our autonomy and freedoms. Here is why you should care.

China has been relentlessly extending their flawed authoritarian rule into Hong Kong since 1997. A recent example is the HKSAR Government’s proposed bill that would allow extradition of alleged “fugitives” from Hong Kong to China, a country that is notorious for its disrespect for the rule of law, and whose judicial system has a conviction rate of 99.9%.

Businessmen, journalists, tourists of all nations, and even ordinary Hong Kongers could be arrested and sent to China for trials of alleged crimes and fabricated accusations. This will have a devastating impact on Hong Kong where global businesses reside, on the freedom of speech and religion, and on human rights – universal rights that each and every single one of us should enjoy.

This is why two million of us took to the streets defiantly, even after unjustifiable violent suppression from the police on peaceful and unarmed protesters who are then stigmatized by the government as “rioters”. Police acted brutally using batons and 150 tear gas canisters, and firing rubber bullets and bean bag rounds at our heads. But we are determined to defend human rights and our autonomy.

Withdrawal of the Extradition Bill should only be the beginning. We request the unconditional release of all the arrested, retraction of the “riot” designation of June 12 incident, and the conducting of an independent commission of inquiry to look into police brutality. But most importantly, we demand universal suffrage which allows Hong Kongers to choose our own leaders and make them accountable for their actions. Please join Hong Kong in defending liberty and human rights against authoritarianism.

In view of the upcoming G20 summit and the meeting between Trump and Xi, we implore you to deliver our concerns and demands to your governments. We urge you to stand with us in preserving Hong Kong’s freedom and autonomy against China’s oppression.

Thank you.

Yours truly,
Hong Kongers

無錯

好的角度的相先選出黎

再處理credit 願唔願賣張相

我認為唔好有太多細節
篇野最緊要分 正 邪
香港人歸邊 歐美價值觀

壞人紅色 好人藍色