1 The one good thing about the Western sanctions is that our politicians and oligarchs will now have to live and raise their children in the same society that they have created for all the other Russians!
2 The Ministry of Defense has announced that the true goals of the Special Military Operation will be published after it has been concluded.
3 The condom maker Durex has announced it is leaving Russia. "Russians are going to get fucked raw", they said.
4 If you think your job is useless, remember that Russian universities still grant students a degree in International Relations.
5 Putin is a great healer! With just one decision he made the whole country forget about the Coronavirus.
6 Everyone who wanted to study English for travel but kept putting it off, rejoice! You no longer need to.
7 Russians are strange creatures. They believe the State TV saying we're winning and the war is almost over, but don't believe State TV saying they should stop hoarding sugar and toilet paper.
8 In just the last month, Russia has cut back air travel, truck shipments, gadget use, oil and gas production. We are truly leading at meeting the Paris Climate Accords!
9 Every time our Pinocchio tells a lie, his table gets longer and longer.
10 The difference between Putin and the captain of the Titanic, is that the captain didn't call the Iceberg a "temporary obstacle", insist the collision was planned all along, and describe anyone trying to escape on a lifeboat as "traitors."
11 "Partial mobilization" is when you are drafted in whole, and returned back in parts.
12 "Dad, why are we hauled off to the trenches?" "I don't know, son, I'm not into politics."
13 For a long time, the government told us, "if you don't like Russia, go to another country." Now they tell us, "if you like Russia, go to the trenches."
14 We gave Putin our freedoms in exchange for prosperity and security. Now we have neither freedom, nor prosperity, nor security.
15 Can we have go back the last year, when we were told to stay home and self-isolate?
16 So, if my two neighbours next door conduct a referendum over who my house belongs to, and I get outvoted 2-1, it's the "democratic vote of the people" and my home is now theirs?
17 They call a war a "special operation", they call bombings "loud noises", they call a rout "a regroup". I guess now they'll be calling forced conscription as an "all-expense paid vacation abroad."
18 Mom used to tell me, "avoid strange men on the street, they might give you drugs." Now she tells me, "avoid strange men on the street, they might give you a conscription notice."
19 The generals told me, "we don't abandon our own." I thought they meant that they wouldn't abandon me. Now I know that they meant I'm not one of their own.
20 The government told me, "if you don't like Putin, you can always vote for someone else." But it's rather hard to do, when all the candidates I want to vote for are in prison.